


deprived.

by taytillla



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Betrayal, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:48:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taytillla/pseuds/taytillla
Summary: ""Try to get some sleep, Shuichi!" he interrupted, before swinging the large oak door open and slipping his small body through the crack. I blinked, left in the presence of a lonely silence and a blood-stained stone."After becoming enthralled with proving that Kaede was not the true culprit of the first class trial, Shuichi's mental health begins to deteriorate. To both of their surprise, he finds an odd comfort in Ouma as he struggles to understand what's going on inside his mind.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 19
Kudos: 51
Collections: Quality Fics





	1. one

I’ve never really been a night-owl type of person. From the earlier years of my childhood, my parents were adamant about my getting the proper amount of sleep, using incessant routines planned down to the minute. I can’t deny that I likely wouldn’t have been as successful without it, and my gratitude stands strong, however, it was more exhausting than if I were to stay up into the late hours of the night- This is something I quickly learned.

I stood in the musty basement library, the dim lighting and blood-stained floor beneath my feet only adding to the harrowing atmosphere. The only other student I’ve seen in here since Ryouma’s trial was Maki; in fact, most people  _ avoided  _ the library. The books all seem to be old, written in foreign languages, and permitting an increasingly strong odour of mildew and must. On top of that, it was freezing, and the sounds of your own footsteps clacking along the stone floor and echoing throughout the room sets anyone up with a sense of discomfort. However- I had gotten used to all of these things, maybe too quickly.

I let out a tired sigh, aligning my back with the side panel of the bookshelf and dropping to the floor. I let my hand fall to my side before my eyes wandered along with it, and I realized I was almost touching the stone that had been stained in Rantaro’s blood. I quickly raised my hand, attempting to brush off the memory, and reached into my pocket to pull out my Monopad. The screen admitted it’s bright, blue light too fast for my eyes, making my head spin more than it already had been.  _ ‘4:42 AM. Again.’  _ I squeezed my eyes shut, still adjusting to the light. ‘ _ Should I even try at this point? Will an hour or two even make a difference? _ ’

I let my conscience contend with itself while I tilted my head up, staring blankly into the faint, yellow light above my head. The inner-argument faded slowly, replacing itself with white noise. My vision became fuzzy, ever-so-slightly. A million thoughts filled my head, just begging for attention, yet I was thinking of nothing. A strange, strong sense of doom washed over me, yet at the same time, _ I felt nothing. _

This feeling wasn’t unfamiliar to me. This kind of thing had been happening since I woke up in this school-- or maybe a little while after? In all honesty, it was difficult to keep track of any kind of timeline in this place. 

My mind continued to twist into itself, like some kind of optical illusion, the light becoming dimmer as the minutes passed, and my ears completely submerged in a buzzing, until--

“Shuichi?” I heard a voice inquire. I thought it was a dream or a memory that had slid it’s way into my conscience until I felt pressure on my shoulder and my body beginning to tip to the side. Again, the voice rang out, much louder now, “Shuichi!”

That seemed to work. My body shot up a bit, jumping at the volume of the boy’s voice being closer to my ear than I had anticipated. I blinked, again and again, in an attempt for my mind to catch up with my body. My head spun as my sense of self came back, and I finally felt like I was somewhat grounded. It wasn’t until then that I slowly turned my head to see furrowed brows and violet eyes, wandering around my face.

“Kokichi..?” I questioned, still dazed and confused. Ouma knelt down beside me, his hand still gently lay on my shoulder, and a look on his face which I couldn’t decipher between concerning curiosity or suspicion. Ouma moved his hand, and let himself fall back to sit on the cold stones as I took a deep breath and shook my head. This probably didn’t paint me in the most reliable light. “Sorry.”

Ouma let out a giggle, which quickly turned into a hard laugh. “You look ridiculous Shuichi! Have you even slept?” he breathed. He was right. Only the week before, Kaito had asked me if I was sick. When I asked why, he pointed out the dark circles under my puffy eyes that had been lingering for weeks, as well as saying my skin had become two tones lighter. Yet somehow, I didn’t even notice.

“N-no, I haven’t. I’m busy.” I said honestly. I knew Ouma would poke and prod to find out what was keeping me so busy, but- I don’t know if I can solve this. I have no leads. All I have is a gut instinct. And in all honesty, it was none of Ouma’s concern. This was for Kaede. I pushed in the button on my Monopad once again, and to my surprise, it was already 5:30 AM. ‘ _ Had I really been in that state for almost an hour? _ ’ I thought aloud.

“Hmmm?” Ouma hummed, tilting his head to the side. I looked at him, blinking.

“Nothing,” I stated, brushing it off. “What are  _ you _ doing down here at five in the morning?”

Ouma grinned, interlocking his fingers and lifting his arms over his head, falling into that smug, relaxed demeanour I was so used to. “Well, I was on my way to pay you a visit. When there wasn’t even a voice asking who was there, I- got a little worried. So, I looked around for you.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, that faint, cheeky grin plastered on his face like a tattoo. I wasn’t buying it. There’s no way Ouma would suddenly begin to care about me out of the blue. Especially when befriending the other students would likely reap more benefits. I let out a disbelieving, “Really?”

“Nope! That was a lie!” he said, shoving his arms in his lap and leaning closer to me like a wide-eyed child. I rolled my eyes, and preemptively let out a sigh of annoyance before he continued, “I have my business in the library, but that’s a secret! I’m sure it wouldn’t be a very hard case for the Ultimate Detective to solve, right?”

He was only trying to deceive me; entice me into wasting my time on non-existent problems. I wasn’t budging. “I’ve searched every inch of this place, and all I found was old books and dust bunnies. Plus, I haven’t seen you in here once, day or night, Kokichi. In fact, the only other student to use the library is Maki, and she hasn’t been here in some time.”

“I know,” he said, this time with sincerity in his voice. I snapped my head to look at him, only to find his stare piercing my own like a knife. “I know that you’ve been here every single night since Kaede’s execution. I know that you stay up all night, working tirelessly to prove that  _ she didn’t kill Rantaro _ .”

I sat, mouth slightly agape and shocked to my core. ‘ _ How could he possibly know that kind of detail..? _ ’ I was unsure of what to say, frazzled by the fact that I couldn’t find any ounce of doubt in my mind that he was telling the truth. Before I could think of anything, Ouma exited that serious facade just as quickly as he had entered. Pushing himself up from the stone, he climbed to his feet and wiped the dust from his hands down the front of his jacket. With a flourish, he turned towards the door.

“And I think you’re right,” he said, quiet enough that if there were any access noise in the room, I may have missed it. I still wasn’t entirely sure if I had heard him correctly.

“What-”

“Try to get some sleep, Shuichi!” he interrupted, before swinging the large oak door open and slipping his small body through the crack. I blinked, left in the presence of a lonely silence and a blood-stained stone.

  
  



	2. two

I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing them to stay closed and not succumb to wandering alongside my restless mind. Flopping my body over, continuously kicking my legs back and forth, eager to be doing _something_. Though nothing I did seemed to matter, I just could not get myself to sleep. Letting a deep exhale escape my lungs, I loosened the muscles around my eyes and let them flutter open. In a swift movement, I swung my comforter off my body, letting it land on the floor beside me, not really caring if it got dirty. I pushed myself upward and stretched the discomfort out of my tired arms. I let myself stare up at the obnoxiously large monitor that sat mounted in the corner of the room, the soft red light it let off mixed with the thin sliver beneath the doorway allowed me only to see silhouettes and shadows, but with my head all dizzy the way it had been, everything seemed to merge together like some uninspired, abstract piece of art. As I stared deeper into that tiny red light, my mind flooded with its usual occupancies; who _really_ killed Rantaro? Why is Kaito looking more feeble, day by day? And more recently, _how the hell did Ouma know exactly what I was up to?_

That stumped me. I had barely even seen Ouma around since Ryouma’s trial a few weeks back, and quite honestly, I presumed he was avoiding Maki, someone I was spending increasingly more time with. It didn’t make sense. If Ouma really were the mastermind, why on Earth would he tell me in such a straightforward manner? But of course, this was Ouma, who may as well have been titled the “Ultimate Liar”. He loved to embellish the truth, but- What would he even gain from this? And how did he figure it out in the first place? It hurt my head just contemplating what he was up to. 

“Rise and shine, ursine!” the kub’s obnoxious voices rang out. The monitor above my head lit up, illuminating the room. I watched the shadows dissipate as my logic overtook my imagination. In an attempt to block out the grating voices, I pulled my body off the side of my bed, and took a step towards the bathroom door, feeling drained. My body was heavy, and aching from the lack of sleep and mitigation, every step that I took felt like I had weights tied around my feet. Swinging the door open, not bothering to even turn on the light, I walked directly to the sink and began to fill the basin with biting cold water. I blinked, hard and rapidly, in an attempt to adjust to the change of lighting between the two rooms, before I caught my own eye in the mirror. ‘ _God,’_ I thought, raising my hand to my cheek and brushing my fingertips over my dry skin, ‘ _I look awful.’_

With an exhale, I broke eye contact with myself and turned off the tap. I took a step backward, bending my back, and with a gasp of air encapsulated in my lungs, I plunged my face into the frigid water. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting out air bit-by-bit, and allowed the pain to take me. My face stung, the cold sending shivers throughout my body and goosebumps up my arms and legs, but I felt my mind slowly catching up to itself; waking up. With a flick, I pulled my head out of the water, my hair splattering small amounts onto the mirror and roof. Breathing heavily, I pushed the wet hair out of my eyes and looked back at myself in the mirror. Nothing really changed.

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

I jumped, startled by the forceful knocking- no, _pounding_ on my door. Slightly confused, I shook my head, sending it back into a conscious path, and made my way to the door, all while the banging continued. As I grabbed the knob and pulled it opened, I was baffled to see Tenko, eyes filled to the brim with determination, and her fist still raised as if she were still pounding.

“Shuichi!” she barked in an authoritative tone as if she were commanding some kind of military roll-call. My eyes darted around the hallway, looking for an answer, but it was completely empty.

“Tenko…?” I replied, landing my attention back on her. She let out a sigh of relief and let her arm drop to her hip, her other arm doing the same.

“Why are you all wet? Ugh, I bet you were doing something dirty, you _degenerate_ male!” she spat, deeply emphasizing the ‘degenerate’ with a look of disgust on her face. ‘ _What on Earth could I even be doing alone to end up like this?_ ’ I held myself back from rolling my eyes- a common occurrence when speaking to Tenko, and in an attempt to divert the subject, crossed my arms over my chest.

“Why are you pounding on my door so early in the morning?” I questioned before Tenko quickly pointed her finger towards me.

“Hah! Silence is an admission of guilt!” she rang out. This time I _did_ roll my eyes. Tenko returned to a more relaxed demeanour before she continued, “Anyways, you’re like- 10 minutes late already!” 

“Huh?” I inquired, confused. Before I could even begin to theorize, Tenko grabbed my jacket by the cusp of the wrist and began dragging me away from my dorm. Instinctively, I caught the doorknob behind me and pulled it shut with a bang, slightly tripping over my own feet as Tenko’s pace increased.

“Geez, didn’t you hear the Monokub announcement? We’re all supposed to meet in the gym! God, degenerates can’t do _anything_ right!”

I continued on with Tenko, not really listening to her ramblings, but pretending to nod my head along. I was still exhausted, my cold-water trick only working ever-so-slightly. My mind was preoccupied with what was happening. It’s never a good thing when we have to gather for an announcement. ‘ _It’s been a while…_ ’ I thought, my eyes piercing the ivy-covered gymnasium door, ‘ _It’s probably a motive…_ ’ 

Tenko finally released the tight grip she had around my clothes, leaving faint wrinkles in the fabric. She pushed the large door open with both arms in front of her, revealing a ray of yellow light and the faces of the Ultimates. The _rest_ of the Ultimates. Tenko sprung forwards, sprinting to the middle of the gym to meet Angie and Himiko, who seemed to be deep in conversation- or rather, it looked more like an oration. I made my way towards Kaito who seemed to be desperately trying to hold a conversation with Maki. 

‘ _She’s so… cold._ ’ I thought, ‘ _It looks like he’s just talking to himself._ ’

“Ah, Shuichi, you’re here!” a voice cheered from the opposite direction. I snapped my head to see Tsumugi, hand lapping over the other in a poised fashion, and a lovely smile painted over her lips. I flashed a lazy smile back.

“Yeah, we thought you might be fuckin’ dead,” Miu chimed in, hand on hip in a confident manner, “Why do you look like a wet dog?”

I heard a few snickers emerge around me, but I ignored the insult and continued on my path towards Kaito.

“But- Isn’t a wet dog better than a filthy pig?” Ouma joined in, raising his finger to his chin as if he were deeply contemplating the idea. A sly smirk crept around the corner of his lips. I looked around, slightly confused as to how to take the comment. As I continued my focus on Ouma, I watch as he laughed at Miu, continuing to pester her, before his gaze turned to the corner of his eyes, back in my direction. I looked away, almost immediately, but I was unable to put a finger on why. It was almost instinctive.

Before I knew it, my thoughts were beginning to cloud and spiral with the usual topics, as it mixed with Kaito’s non-sensible banter of the day.

_My heart dropped._ A single sentence sent me into a storm of emotion and confusion, desire and dysphoria. Yet I wasn’t alone. Shock spread across the faces of the majority of us, the gears unable to turn. My body trembled, and part of me thought I might be sick. 

‘ _Transfer student? Resurrection?_ ’ I clenched my teeth, ‘ _Is this some kind of sick joke?_ ’ The few students left unfathomed by the news were Angie and Korekiyo, who both looked like they were devising plans and debates over who to revive. Maki, who showed the same, straight-faced glare that she always wore; And then there was Ouma, who didn’t seem shocked, or even overly-cocky like he usually would. Instead, he gave the same, strange look of concern and suspicion as he did the other night in the library. I wanted to figure out what that look meant, but my mind was far too preoccupied. As we all began exchanging worried glances with one another, an overwhelming sense of consternation fell over us like a heavy snowfall. ‘ _This isn’t over._ ’


	3. three

The dining hall filled with the sounds of effeminate laughter and glass cups clinking against the slate table-top. Even though the chairs were circled around the oval table, and typically, we all ate together, important conversations never seemed to have a place at dinner. Everyone spoke within their own cliques; Tenko and Angie seemed to be in the middle of some strange power-battle, while Himiko frowned tiredly between them. Gonta was deeply invested in whatever story Korekiyo was sharing, and shouting his excitement and approval every few sentences. Tsumugi was silent, a soft, curious smile upon her lips; she was living in her own head, rent-free as usual. Then there was Miu, face up close to the side of Keebo’s, awkwardly examining the ridges in his mouth and eye-sockets, and Ouma, sitting straight across from me, who joined in the on the fun and obnoxiously flicked Keebo’s antenna, laughing as the frustration built. I think the rest of the students savoured the small amount of time it allowed us to experience some sense of comfort. Instant rushes of dopamine burst through their brains when a delectable meal is in front of them, and everyone was contained in the same room. Though, the quality of the food seemed to take a drastic dip once we lost Kirumi.

It bothered me that no one else seemed bothered. Their normal, everyday antics and arguments had no issue sliding by the distressing news we had received earlier. ‘ _ If the Monokubs were telling the truth, and there really was a chance we could bring someone back… _ ’

“Well, if you’re not gonna eat your chicken…” I heard Kaito inquire, interrupting my thought. Before I could even respond, the remaining half of my chicken breast had moved from my plate to Kaito’s fork. 

“Hey, I—“ I argued, only for a moment before letting out a sigh of defeat. I didn’t even feel that hungry, but I knew I  _ should  _ eat something. “Kaito,” I began, twirling my steel fork between my fingertips. I glanced up at him as he tipped his glass against his lips and began to swig back water. “What do you think about the… transfer student?”

“It’s nonsense,” Maki cut in, sternly. I moved my head in her direction, her trenchant glare cutting through my inquiry like a sword. “Those bears are just trying to throw us off track. Resurrection is impossible.” Her demeanour didn’t shift in the slightest, staring me down as if waiting for me to break first. She did this often, especially during trials, and I’ve learned to just concede. I think she needed that sense of dominance more than I did. Kaito dropped his now empty glass to the table, somewhat carelessly.

“I think it’s worth a shot!” he smiled. It truly puzzled me as to how he was able to push past Maki’s threatening attitude. “I mean, we’ll never know if we don’t try, right! Besides, if we could bring Kirumi back, we might have a real shot at gettin’ outta here and saving the world!”

My eyes drifted between the two, and a sense of anxiety washed over me. Kaito wasn’t wavering; keeping that goofy grin plastered on his lips as he stared back. To my absolute surprise, Maki turned away. I watched her jaw tense up as she clenched her teeth, before pushing back against the table and standing, wiping down her skirt. Without looking back at anyone, she turned and started striding towards the door. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” was the last thing she said before the door slammed behind her. That caught the attention of everyone in the room, who either quickly fell back into their subtle conversations, or pushed their empty plates aside and followed Maki’s lead. When I looked back at Kaito, still smiling, he let out a chuckle.

“Don’t worry, Shuichi. Maki-roll will come around, I’ll make sure of it!” he said with confidence, before shoving the last bite of my chicken into his mouth. I pushed the small mound of rice around my plate. 

“You  _ probably _ shouldn’t call her that,” I offered with a light chuckle. Kaito stood up with a stretch and threw his hand down to pat my back, probably more roughly than he had realized.

“No one makes decisions for Kaito Momota, besides Kaito Momota!” he exclaimed, turning towards the door. “Now, I’m gonna go find Maki-roll.”

I laughed through my nose, raising my eyebrows and giving him a soft shake of the head, “Good luck.”

As the few remaining students began to finish their meals and exit the room, I was left alone with Angie of all people, who sat only a few chairs away. I looked down at my plate, trying to convince myself to just shove the rest into my stomach. My mind caught on to what Kaito had said, pushing me further down into a spiral. 

‘ _ If we can bring someone back, there’s gonna be a fight about who… _ ’

“Shuuu-ichi!” Angie rang out, expectedly. She wasn’t really the quiet type. Though, conversations with her always seemed to throw me through a loop. I always seemed to leave them feeling more confused than when had I started. Nervously, I picked at the cuff of my jacket as I looked up at her, and she pointed her finger at me. “Why are you so moody?”

“Moody?” I replied. Angie’s eyes sparkled, as if she were in awe, although that just seemed to be her permanent state of being.

“Your aura is usually beige, but Atua says it is now purple!” she raised her pointed finger to her cheek, poking into the skin. 

“My… aura?” I questioned slowly, taken aback by her words. ‘ _ How can an aura have color? _ ’

“Yes! Now, what’s got you so down, Shuichi?” she prodded. Leaning in closer to me. Instinctively, I leaned away and raised my hand to scratch the back of my skull. Suddenly, I really wished I had left when Kaito did. 

“I- don’t really know,” I uttered, letting my thoughts wander alongside the conversation. “I just kind of lost my focus, I suppose.” 

Angie practically jumped out of her chair before I had even finished my sentence, swiping her plate carelessly to the side and raising her leg up to the chair. “Focus is easy to teach, Shuichi,” My eyes widened at the sight of Angie jumping up onto the table, and scooting closer to me. “The key is… breathing!”

Using the tile beneath my shoe as a grip, I pushed myself back even further, slightly put off by the silliness of it all. Angie shoved my plate aside as well, before pulling her legs into a cross. “Follow my lead!”

I didn’t move. Honestly, I was a little bit frozen, unsure of what any of this meant. Angie moved her hands to her hips and gave me a look of disapproval. “Why do you look so scared? It is only meditation.” 

‘ _ Oh, _ ’ I thought, letting trapped air escape my lungs. ‘ _ I guess that does make sense. _ ’ After a moment of contemplation, Angie still glaring down at me like a disappointed mother, I followed her lead, awkwardly picking my stiff legs up to the chair and straightening out my back. 

“Now, close your eyes!” she exclaimed slowly, gesturing her hands downwards as if I were a dog being taught tricks. Regardless, I did as she said. I felt a little bashful but hoped that Angie would too close her eyes. The walls in this place, mostly made from solid brick or stone, were thick and well-structured, leaving most rooms soundproof. I could hear myself breathe, and my clothes ruffle around as my body anxiously fidgeted, making the whole experience even more discomforting. ‘ _ Isn’t this supposed to be relaxing? _ ’

“You’re doing so well, Shuichi! Now, take a deeeep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe deeper than your lungs are used to!” she explained, slowly yet still excitedly. I followed suit, taking in a massive breath, and letting it go through my throat. Angie joined, seeming to pace her breath in unison with mine. Trying not to let the ridiculousness stop me, I continued to breathe.

“Good,” she began as my surroundings started becoming less apparent, hyper-fixated on keeping my breaths in a steady pattern. “Now, pay attention to your body… Notice how your chest will riiiise and faaaall with each and every breath.”

Automatically, my mind did as she said, focusing on the movement of my chest rather than the air going through my nose like before. ‘ _ Woah, _ ’ I thought, ‘ _ This is… strange.’  _ With every breath, with every syllable that Angie spoke, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into this relaxing state. Perhaps this was how Angie stayed so unbothered. In that moment, I had no thoughts of Kaede, or Ouma, or Monokuma… It felt liberating.

“Your mind may start to wander… That’s perfectly natural. Just bring your focus back to your breathing.” she spoke calmly, and just like that, I was back to feeling the air flow slowly through my nose and throat. My body felt so heavy, as if my legs were sinking into the metal chair beneath me, and the kinks in my neck, the sore muscles in my legs… were gone. I never doubted that meditation worked; it’s a general fact. I suppose I just never thought I’d be the type to reign successful. I heard a creaking noise in the distance and attempted to brush it off before a voice followed.

“What the… hell?” 

My eyes shot open and my whole body jumped at the sudden change of mindset. My heart thumped in my chest as the pain slowly began returning to my body. It was like being woken up from a nightmare. That sense of security vanishes in only seconds. Though I have to admit, it was quite nice while it lasted. Maybe I don’t give Angie’s weird, spiritual side enough credit. Turning my head, I saw Ouma standing about a foot away from us. We must have looked ridiculous. I dropped my feet to the floor. 

“Kokichi!” Angie cheered, placing her hands together in a praying position. She uncrossed her legs, swinging them below the table before hopping to her feet. Her yellow smock fell to the side of one shoulder. “Shuichi’s aura was moody, so Atua made him feel better! The purple is already starting to fade he says!”

‘ _ Ah, I didn’t realize that was a lesson from Atua. _ ’ I thought, feeling my breath start to regulate back into it’s normal, unconscious pattern. Ouma flashed a look of excitement, clearly fabricated, but Angie didn’t seem to notice as she headed for the door.

“Not faaaair, I wanna know  _ my  _ aura color too!” Ouma pouted, crossing his arms over his chest like a child. 

Angie pulled the door open, before turning back to us. “Atua says… gray! Byeonara!”

And with the clicking of the door falling into place, I was left alone with Ouma, who was in the same position, now with a grin on his lips. 

I chuckled softly, “ Do you even know what that means?” I asked, attempting to advert the awkwardness away from his focus. Ouma dropped his arms, leaning his hip against the side of the table.

“Does it really matter?” he admitted. Usually, I would agree, but after that experience, I definitely gained some respect for Angie. I smiled softly glancing over at the cold mound of rice that never made it into my stomach. “Moody, huh?”

“Those were Angie’s words, not mine,” I explained, pushing the hair out of my eyes. 

“Right,” he chimed, disbelievingly. As I stood up, I pushed mine and Angie’s plates towards the bigger mound in the middle of the table for whoever was on dish duty that night.

“Anyways,” I began, pushing my chair in. “What are you doing back here?” 

“Monopad,” he said, simply, pointing his finger in the direction of the chair he had seemingly claimed. He paced towards it, before picking up the tablet and shoving it into his jacket pocket. I turned my head towards the exit, assuming that would be the end of our conversation, before Ouma’s voice rang out once more. “So, any new leads?”

His words took me aback, sending a chill through my body. I didn’t like that he knew what I was up to, and I didn’t like him taunting me about it either. He carried his words with superiority. I remained standing with my back towards him, staring at the door. “Leads on what?”

“On Rantaro’s killer, of course!” he sang. I felt his presence slowly creeping closer to me as he strode in my direction. The thought of it slowly brought back that strange, dizzy feeling to my head. I didn’t want to divulge all this to Ouma, but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to brush him off.

“Not yet.” was all I managed to say, before grabbing the cold, metal doorknob and excusing myself from the room. I didn’t even look at him before shutting it behind me. I sighed, attempting to comprehend everything that had happened. For a few moments, Angie taught me serenity, and my gratitude felt strong. 

But I couldn’t let myself fall into naivety. All good things come to an end.


	4. four

The mounds of paper sprawled out on the table in front of me blurred into one big cursive mess. With a sigh, I propped my elbows up on the table and buried my face into my hands, blocking out the faint yellow light that the lamp weakly emitted. I wasn’t getting any closer to the truth, and admittedly, it felt as if I were running out of time, fast. Instead of investigating the new culprit, I was still hyper-focused on the mastermind. While I felt inclined to trust Kaito and Maki, everyone seemed to stand on equal grounds. I had no reason to trust, or distrust unfairly. I felt my heart rate begin to incline as pink-splattered stone called for the attention of my eyes, and the resistance only caused scenes of horror to run through my mind. Angie’s pale corpse, lifeless on the floor, her blood seeping into the wood below her. That gold katana arbitrarily stabbed through Kaede’s effigy… the thought made me sick to my stomach, which luckily, was already empty. My breathing picked up, and honestly, I was starting to  _ get used _ to that kind of thing. The rapid breathing, the constant feeling of exhaustion, it all started coming on more naturally to me. Biting the inside of my cheek, I took a deep breath in, letting remnants of Angie’s voice fill my head.

“ _ Focus is easy to teach, Shuichi! The key is… breathing! _ ”

‘ _ In through the nose, _ ’ I told myself, ‘ _ Out through the mouth _ .’ I breathed deeper, feeling my body slowly coming back to its senses. I hadn’t really given this a try since I was with Angie in the dining hall. It still helped, but without her here to guide me through it, the experience seemed… dull. With a final exhale, I dragged my hands down the length of my cheeks and gave myself an awakening slap, before dropping them. The papers looked less blurry, though I could still barely grasp what they said.

With a heavy creak and a gust of chilling air sending the corners of my papers afloat, an eerie, sinister voice rang out. “It is time to perform the seance, Saihara.”

‘ _ That’s… unsettling, _ ’ I thought, glaring over at Korekiyo who was hiding behind the door frame. I nodded my head towards him before turning back to collect my documents. 

More blood-- it burned my eyes like a blinding light, my body shaking like a reed in the wind, Himiko’s long, shrill hallows bouncing off every wall in the room. Only a minute ago, Tenko was smiling, preaching, giving this long, sincere speech full of confidence and strength. Now, she lay curled into a ball on the floor, her own blood streaming down the curves of her neck and face.

Himiko continued to wail, Korekiyo seemed to be studying the body from afar, and I glanced over at Ouma, who looked distraught. It was that weird, undeterminable look again, that I honestly couldn’t get out of my head. But that was a mystery I’d have to focus on later.

The few students who weren’t participating in the ritual-- Keebo, Gonta and Tsumugi trudged through the door, all bearing the same looks of horror in their eyes. Kaito followed, then Maki slowly but sternly marched through the door, arms crossed authoritatively. She took a single glance towards the scene of the crime before striding directly towards me.

“Shuichi, explain the situation.” she demanded, “I thought you were conducting the seance. What happened?” Her voice held conviction as she stared me down, no sign of granting me any benefit of the doubt. I couldn’t make sense of it. All we did was blow out the candles and sing that menacing song… how did Tenko manage to get  _ stabbed _ without anyone realizing it?

“I- I don’t know… What’s happening?” I stuttered, partially just thinking out loud. I gulped as I caught her glare. Kaito stayed quiet but placed his hand over my trembling shoulder in both comfort, and defence.

“It’s funny how  _ you’re _ the one passing the blame, Maki-roll.” Ouma sneered from across the room. Maki clenched her fist, though it almost seemed like Kaito was more annoyed at Ouma’s taunting use of the nickname. Maki took a step forward.

“Do you want to die?” she barked. Ouma, unphased by her stance, leisurely strolled towards us, any ounce of visible fear had vanished from his expression. He raised a finger to his chin, insolently pretending to brainstorm. 

“We were in here with Tenko the whole time, and she was all alive and well,” Ouma explained before turning towards me and shooting an imperilling gaze. “Isn’t that right, detective?”

I froze. His thoughts were far ahead of mine. I was still trying to process the sight of Tenko’s lifeless body, bloodied and knocked over in such an ungraceful manner before my very eyes. The metallic scent of her warm blood slowly filled the room and sent waves of nausea through my stomach. 

“Well… that’s true,” I agreed nervously. Maki turned her head, only enough so she could see me from her peripheral.

“Then tell me,  _ detective _ , how could I kill someone I wasn’t even near?” Maki fumed. Her voice was instigative as if she were daring me to answer. Even though my odd relationship with Maki was beginning to expand, I couldn’t deny that she was more than intimidating.

“I never said that you did it--” I began, but Ouma interjected again.

“Isn’t it true that Tenko approached you asking for a little favour?” he inferred, placing one foot in front of him. Maki said nothing, leaving only Himiko’s cries to be heard, and each one struck deeper. 

“Are you tryna’ say that Tenko  _ asked _ Maki to kill her? That’s just crazy!” Kaito stepped in, moving his hand from my back to his side and pulling it into a tight fist. Ouma rolled his eyes, lifting an annoyed scowl to his lips upon hearing Kaito’s voice. 

“I’m saying there’s a motive here-- and it wouldn’t be hard for a cold-blooded killer like Maki to pull off.” The space between us fell silent, and a few of the other students had caught on to our altercation and began to eavesdrop. Maki was only playing it safe, presumably keeping her thoughts to herself until the trial like she usually did. Though it did seem to decrease the trust of everyone else. Kaito and I shared a glance, uneasy as the Maki and Ouma continued their stand down-- neither willing to break. It wasn’t until the Monokubs showed up to cut the tension by rallying the group into a collective discussion.

It was surely an odd place to be, but once the group departed from each other, I was drawn towards the pool. I sat atop the cold tile, staring into the shallow pool water. While I kept count of my breaths slowly in my head I pulled my knees up to my chest and watched as the speckles of dust floated around the water’s surface as I flicked a piece of rubble into it. It was beginning to happen again; the zoning out, the buzzing in my ears, that frustrating state where my mind raced with thoughts that popped up like fireflies. Though, I did come to the realization that it gets worse each time I see another lost life. I felt so tired, and at that point I had forgotten how many hours it had been since I had actually gotten a decent sleep. Letting my eyes flutter close, I continued counting— and like clockwork, a familiar boyish voice chimed out.

“There’s Shuichi!” Ouma skipped through the door, pushing it into a rather heavy slam that caused me to jump. I came here to be alone, to get my head straightened out so I could go solve the case, and the interruption mixed with my already pounding chest only vexed me more. Though I only averted my eyes back to the floor. Ouma continued towards me, stopping at my side and dropping to the floor. “That seance was weiiird.”

He looked down in front of him, almost mimicking my own stance, and began picking at the nature that had begun overtaking the building. I pulled my knees tighter, wrapping my arms around them and tugging on the ends of my hair. “Why did you provoke Maki today?”

He seemed a little surprised by the inquiry, but didn’t stop plucking out blades of grass from between the tiles. “Because it’s fun to see her get so riled up over nothing. I think that I can make her snap and really kill someone! —But that might take a while.” he said with something of determination in his voice, though something seemed off. The sentence itself wasn’t out of character, but there was a hint of desperation in his delivery. It was so frustrating to know that everything I had come to learn about Ouma could be entirely fabricated. 

“Then who  _ do  _ you think did it?” I asked quietly, turning closer in his direction. Ouma threw his arms back to hold himself up, staring up at the ceiling lights as if they were a sky. 

“I dunno yet. Though, it’s a shame there won't be another trial… The culprit wasted a perfectly good kill!” 

“Shut up!” I shouted, my voice suddenly gaining volume. I clenched my fist, digging the tips of my nails into my palm. My gaze hadn’t left the floor, but I could feel Ouma’s smile fading. “How can you just crack jokes like that? How can you pretend to enjoy this hell?” I finally looked over at Ouma, who didn’t reply. Instead, he stared blankly at me, eyebrows slanted above glistening eyes. It was odd that he made no attempt to refute, however with my mind racing like a windstorm, and my voice hitched, I continued. “I don’t believe you, Kokichi. You’re just as afraid as the rest of us. Every lie you spur is only masking a layer of misery, and I’m getting tired of hearing you act like this is all some damn game!” 

My eyes burned, face flushed and warm, as I bit down on the inside skin of my cheek. Tears threatening to fall only made me angrier. The fact that I couldn’t bring myself to cry since Kaede’s death until  _ now _ — In the presence of anyone else, I might not have felt as ashamed about my feelings, but with Ouma, I knew I was setting myself up for ridicule. Yet I couldn’t decipher what was really making me so frustrated. Am I really acting like this because of stupid comments by Ouma? Am I actually angry at him, or am I just looking for an outlet? I watched as Ouma’s eye traced down the side of my cheek. Reaching up, I touched my fingertips to my skin, dampening them in the progress. I had begun to cry— and there was no stopping myself.

I let my head fall and turn away from Ouma, who seemed to be dumbfounded. I could feel the hairs on my body stand up straight, a mix of vexation and embarrassment only fueling me. My breathing caught, and I struggled to exhale, letting out breaths in a sputtered pattern as I shook. The thoughts in my head were spinning too fast to grasp even one, and I had no idea what to say to Ouma. “Damn it!” I exclaimed desperately. My breathing grew faster and more off-beat by the second, and tears were escaping my eyes like a stormcloud.

”Shuichi…” Ouma finally managed, yet he sounded apprehensive to even speak. The same, confused look remained on his face, however, it almost seemed like he was trembling too. It was hard to tell through my own clouded vision. I opened my mouth to respond, but all that came out was off-breathing and a subtle whimper escaping my throat. 

Suddenly, I felt a presence lingering closer to my side, then a pressure on the hand that was still clamped shut, nails digging into skin, and practically numb. Letting my eyes snap open, I saw Ouma’s fingers sternly, yet gently burying into the space between my grip. I was surprised, but in that moment, nothing seemed particularly real, so I complied with his movements, loosening my grip to allow his hand to cover mine and engulf my fingers. As the excess blood began rushing out of my hand, I began to regain feeling and a slight burning sensation emerged, probably from the sweat on Ouma’s palm mixing into the broken skin on mine. I grasped his hand tighter as I choked on the air caught in my tight throat. As I squeezed tighter, Ouma matched my grip, strengthening it as I did, but not loosening after. I wondered why, but the pressure sent waves of shivers through my body. It made the spinning in my head lose power. Weirdly, it made me feel grounded. 

“Why…?” I managed softly, fluttering my eyes open to observe. Ouma’s small hand, skin tinted red and gripped around mine as if for dear life. I was waiting for him to lie, to say something witty or cruel just to break me-- but instead, he said something I would never have expected to come out of his mouth.

“‘Cause I am afraid, too,” he spoke, quietly and shamefully, as if admitting guilt. It shocked me more than him grabbing my hand. There was so much sincerity in his voice this time, and I could feel the muscles in his hand twitch as he trembled alongside me. “But being around you makes me feel like we actually have a chance.”

Part of me felt like I was beginning to calm, until Ouma said that, and it broke me. It was just too familiar.  _ “I’d be a mess if you weren't here. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything… I would’ve been so lost…”  _ her voice filled my head like poison. It hurt too badly to let myself think about her smiling face, but the memories kept appearing like ghosts.  _ “I’m glad you’re here with me, Shuichi. With you by my side, I feel like I can stand up to anything.” _ I was shivering, but I was also sweating from head to toe, engulfing all my energy into trying to breathe, despite the fact that it felt like I was being suffocated. I let myself give in to the enervation, quickly pulling my hand away and letting my body fall limp to the side, landing draped over Ouma’s crossed legs. I clenched the fabric of his jacket and let myself continue to sob uncontrollably into it as he pulled his arm from beneath me and placed it on my upper back. I felt his arm jolt upwards with every heave of my breath, but he still began to stroke his hand up and down, gently and steadily. His jacket still smelled like the air in the dining hall from lunch; it was sweet and almost pacifying, like fresh bread and fruit hanging from market stalls back home. I felt as my depleting muscles began to settle down, likely thankful for not being held up and strained any longer. My whole body was in tingles and it felt like I was melting deeper into Ouma’s lap. The friction from his hand warming my back began to resemble that of a heavy blanket, causing my eyes to flutter shut. My thoughts continued to race, but the volume slowly faded away as I drowsed off.

**Author's Note:**

> ♡ 𝘈/𝘕: 𝘩𝘪𝘺𝘢! 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 ! 𝘪 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 2 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘪'𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘱𝘢 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘴- 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳. 𝘴𝘰 𝘪'𝘮 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥. ♡


End file.
